Question inspired by Gene Key 18
Every summer, I decide to become a person who has a garden. And every summer, I am charged with negligence causing death. The prosecutor is me. The sentence: a lifetime of intense, irrational fear of going into my backyard.
I imagine Joyce, the neighbour behind me, with her beautiful tomatoes, looking at me with her once-kind eyes turned cold and disapproving. I can’t go out there. She sees me. She knows what I really am.
A bad girl.
- A 3-year-old who pushed a dog to see what would happen.
- A girl with fat fingers.
- A girl who made her dad’s friend call her trouble and wink at her.
- A girl who lied about skydiving to make friends.
- A teen mom.
- A girl who made a boy a teen dad.
- A girl who caused her parents to go bankrupt and her dad homeless.
- A mom who forgets the oranges.
- A mom whose daughter was abused.
- A renter.
- A plant killer.
One day, I pulled into my driveway, and my neighbour Mike—with his perfectly maintained yard—was watering his grass right where I park. Fuck. My lawn was overgrown and brown as shit. Avoid eye contact.
Despite my efforts to shrink, Mike said hi like the friendly neighbour he is and struck up a conversation. For some reason, I told him about the mold on our bathroom ceiling and how our landlord just wanted to paint over it. Mike said: “Wow, that’s ridiculous. You guys are such good tenants.” Wait, what? You guys are such good tenants…?
Mike thinks I’m good?
Doesn’t he see my grass? The Christmas lights still up in August? Doesn’t he hear my 5-year-old still awake at 10 p.m.? Does he not see the FOUR MURDERED PLANTS ROTTING IN MY BACKYARD?!?!
I stared at Mike, stunned. Maybe he didn’t see my failures. Maybe he didn’t notice the death row of pots in my backyard. Maybe he didn’t know I was the girl with fat fingers, the teen mom, the orange forgetter.
Or maybe he did, and it didn’t matter.
It hit me then: Maybe I wasn’t the sum total of my worst moments. Maybe I wasn’t the unpaid water bill, the unfinished garden, the unopened text from my mom. Maybe I was also the girl who keeps trying. Who shows up with the same garden dream every summer, no matter how many plants I’ve killed.
Mike smiled and waved as he walked away, leaving me standing in my driveway with my overgrown lawn and the faintest glimmer of a new thought:
Maybe I’m not bad. Maybe I’m just… human.
Gene Key 18: Judgment → Integrity → Perfection
The 18th Gene Key invites us to confront our inner critic and its relentless judgments, shifting from the Shadow of Judgment to the Gift of Integrity, and ultimately to the Siddhi of Perfection. At the Shadow level, our inner voice distorts reality, focusing on perceived flaws and failures, creating a narrative that disconnects us from our true essence. In the Gift of Integrity, we learn to channel that critical energy constructively, using discernment to grow and evolve. The Siddhi of Perfection reveals the beauty of life as it is, without the need for improvement or change.
How Gene Key 18 Relates to My Contemplation
In my story, the Shadow of Judgment manifests in my relentless inner critic, which paints me as the sum of my perceived failures. This distorted narrative keeps me trapped in shame and fear, avoiding my backyard and shrinking away from others to avoid being “seen.”
But in that moment with my neighbor Mike, I experienced a shift—a glimpse of the Gift of Integrity. His kind words allowed me to question my inner critic and see myself differently. Maybe I wasn’t just my failures; maybe I was also the person who keeps trying, despite past mistakes. That shift in perspective softened the harshness of my judgments and allowed me to see myself with more honesty and compassion.
The connection to Gene Key 18 is clear: When I stopped focusing on fixing what I thought was “wrong” with me, I began to accept who I am. This was the beginning of moving out of Judgment and into Integrity—a step toward seeing the perfection in my human imperfections.
Contemplative Applications
Here are some questions to explore the themes of Gene Key 18 in your own life:
• What stories does my inner critic tell me about who I am? How true are they?
• Am I focusing on flaws in myself or others in a way that prevents me from seeing the bigger picture?
• How can I use discernment to grow, without letting judgment distort my sense of self-worth?
Spend time observing your inner dialogue. Notice when the voice of judgment arises and gently challenge its accuracy.
Practical Insights
- Separate Criticism from Reality: Your inner critic often exaggerates or distorts the truth. Practice questioning its narrative and looking for evidence to the contrary- for both your judgments of self and others.
- Focus on Growth, Not Perfection: Instead of striving to fix every perceived flaw, focus on taking small, meaningful steps toward growth.
- Cultivate Self-Compassion: Remind yourself that imperfection is part of being human. You are not defined by your mistakes but by how you keep moving forward.
- Celebrate Effort: Even if the result isn’t what you hoped for, honor the fact that you showed up and tried.
Gene Key 18 reminds us that perfection isn’t about being flawless—it’s about embracing the beauty of the human experience, including the messiness and mistakes. When we move out of judgment and into integrity, we can begin to see ourselves and others with clarity and compassion, allowing the true essence of who we are to shine through.